I remember listening to the audiobook version of Dale Carnegie’s “How to win Friends and Influence People” in 2015 and finding his advice intuitive and applicable to real-life situations. However, as time passed I seem to have largely forgotten about the content. Coincidentally in the past months, this book has been mentioned to me again by friends and by guests of podcasts that I listened to. So I decided to give it another read, refresh my memory, and summarize the main points.

The book, first published by Carnegie in 1953, is often called the original self-help book. It is easy to see why, as it follows the typical structure of books in its category:

• the advice in a chapter can be summarized in one sentence
• 3-5 stories per chapter to illustrate successful application of the advice and describe some of its nuances in more detail
• the stories typically involve one of the following:
  1. a famous, admired historic personality (Benjamin Franklin, John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Abraham Lincoln)
  2. a salesperson / business-owner (car dealership, lumber mill, retail shop)
  3. husband-wife, father-son, mother-daughter relationships
• the stories explain how the protagonist of the story solves their problem using the chapter’s principle and in many cases gets an unexpected additional benefit. (“My landlord reduced my rent and on top of that offered to do renovations on the facade.”, “We resolved our disputes on the repair bill with five customers. All of them bought new cars from us within the next two years.”)

What I like about this book is that, in contrast to some modern self-help books, this simple structure is not hidden from the reader. After the chapter’s first story explaining the principle you can decide to read the next story or skip to the last paragraph of the chapter.

It is not surprising that this book has sold more than 16 million copies. The advice is simple and timeless, the book has a clear structure, and the stories are intentionally diverse enough to apply to a wide audience.

On the flip side, the book does not contain any references to controlled scientific experiments to verify the impact of the presented principles. I am not sure how much this matters though, because in many cases the principle can be summarized with “Don’t be an asshole, try to see it from the other person’s point of view, and be open to find a solution together that allows the other person to save face.”, which will make you a more pleasant person to be around in any case.

The book is organized in four parts, each part with a number of principles to follow.

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in handling people

Principle 1-1: Don’t criticise, condemn, or complain.

People are not creatures of logic. They have prejudices, do not see the full picture, and are motivated by pride and vanity. Trying to change their mind by criticizing them directly, or condemning their behaviour, will only create resentment towards you. In some cases lasting a life long. Moreover, they will not change their behaviour due to criticism. Instead of condemning people, we should try to understand them and figure our why they do what they do. This creates sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.

This also applies if there is a big power or status gap. Benjamin Franklin: “I will speak ill of no man.” and Carlyle: “A great mean shows his greatness by the way he treats the little men." It would be interesting to discuss how this can be aligned with open, direct, and candor feedback which is currently being popularized in the tech industry.

Principle 1-2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Human’s deepest urge is the “desire to be important” (Dewey). This desire made people like Rockefeller pursue and build fortunes or motivated writers like Dickens to write immortal novels. This desire can be found in everyone. Charles Schwab attributed his success as a business leader to “my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, and the best way to develop that in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” He further adds: “There is nothing else that kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work.”

What is the difference between praise and flattery? One is sincere and the other insincere. One is unselfish, the other selfish.

Use sincere appreciation both at work with your colleagues and direct reports, but also with your friends. Moreover, when was the last time you expressed to your waiter your sincere appreciation of the food they served you?

All our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. Give it to them, sincerely. I noticed that sincere praise is a key element at creating a motivating atmosphere in my teams. Still, I sometimes struggle to find the right moment to deliver this praise, especially when a project is not fully completed and the outcome is not yet clear or visible.

Principle 1-3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Harry A. Overstreet: “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire […] and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him.” Henry Ford agrees: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Carnegie applies this principle to distinguish good from bad salespeople. Bad salespeople only think about what they want. Good salespeople are interested in solving their clients’ problems. To do this they need to be able to understand their point of view. If they achieve this, they don’t have to sell to them. The clients will buy. This is important when discussing career plans with your reports. The easiest way to motivate someone is to develop a career goal to work towards.

Part 2: Six ways to make people like you

This part focuses on conversations, meeting new people, and leaving a positive impression.

Principle 2-1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. People are interested in themselves.

One of Theodore Roosevelt’s secrets to his popularity, why even his servants loved him, was his genuine interest in them and their concerns. This holds true for presidents as well as for sales people. Carnegie claims: “I have discovered that one can win the attention, time, and cooperation of the most sought-after people by being genuinely interested in them.””

It’s not only about showing interest. If you want to make friends, do things for them: invest time and energy, be unselfish and thoughtful. Remember your friends’ and business contacts’ birthdays and send them a telegram (maybe nowadays a WhatsApp message). Remember what they tell you about their families, and greet people with animation and enthusiasm. Show them you are happy to meet and spend time with them.

Principle 2-2: Smile.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says: “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

Carnegie emphasizes this point as important for customer support roles, business people, and everyone in their daily life. Not only because it makes you feel positive, also because people tend to reciprocate and smile back at you.

Even when faced with criticism by a colleague at work, a customer, a friend, a smile can be disarming and diffuse an argument.

Carnegie also points out that often, counter-intuitively, the smile produces the positive feeling. So smiling can also be used as an active tool to regulate negative feelings.

Principle 2-3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

People love hearing their name in conversation. Use it often, it creates intimacy and shows that you care about them.

This is especially important when meeting new people. Make an effort to remember their name during the evening and use it at least once. How to remember names at a dinner party? Two things worked for me: Use an alliteration that describes them: “Big Ben”, “Extroverted Emily”. Or think of them performing an activity together with someone else with the same name: “Michael shooting hoops with Michael Jordan”, “Robin taking photos of Aunt Robin”.

Principle 2-4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

This principle is similar to Principle 2-1. “Few people are proof against the implied flattery of exclusive attention”. In conversation, listen intently, be genuinely interested, try to learn something from the other person. Sometimes a good conversationalist, is merely a good listener. Ask them questions that they will enjoy answering.

In a business context: Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Even when dealing with a dispute, it can help to let the other person talk themselves out, be receptive to their issue, before trying to find a solution.

Principle 2-5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

This principle is mostly discussed in a business context. When talking to decision makers, it can be useful to dedicate most of the time talking about the other person’s interests and hobbies, than actually to the problem or decision.

Principle 2-6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Therefore follow the law: “Always make the other person feel important.”" and the Golden Rule: “Give unto others what we would have others give unto us.”

Carnegie emphasizes that this is especially important in situations of status gaps, e.g. the ambassador talking to the waitress or the CEO discussing an issue with a factory worker.

Remember: Everyone considers themselves important, very important.

Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking

This part focuses on convincing other people of your ideas and arguments.

Principle 3-1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

You can’t win an argument. If you lose it, you lose it. If you win it, you have made your opponent feel inferior, hurt their pride and they will resent you. Even a small argument, can significantly hurt the ability for future cooperation.

So winning arguments means short term triumph at the cost of your opponent’s good will. This is relevant at work but also in personal life. Nobody likes the Know-it-alls insisting on their opinion at a dinner party.

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument?

1. Welcome the disagreement: There is a chance you can avoid a serious mistake.
2. Distrust your first instinctive impression: Don’t become defensive, stay open to it.
3. Control your temper.
4. Listen first: Let your opponent finish talking. Do not resist, defend or debate.
5. Look for areas of agreement.
6. Be honest: Look for areas where you can admit errors. Apologize.
7. Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully.
8. Thank you opponent for their interest.
9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

Principle 3-2: Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, ‘You are wrong.’

When you tell people “You are wrong” you won’t make them want to agree with you or change their minds. Keep in mind that telling them they are wrong can also be done using a look or an intonation.

Galileo said: “You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him to find it within himself.” From the book The Mind in the Making: “We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. […] when someone proposes to rob us of their [believes] companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened.”

Telling someone they are wrong, only succeeds in stripping them of self-dignity. Instead, show openness in the other person’s complaint or opinion. Try to guide them to the solution instead of just telling them. Ask friendly and cooperative questions.

Principle 3-3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

When you know you are wrong, don’t try to defend yourself. Admit it emphatically. In some circumstances it might even be helpful to overdo the apology to give your opponent the chance to show generosity.

Principle 3-4: Begin in a friendly way.

Start a debate with a “drop of honey”. Ensure the other party that you are their sincere friend. It will make it more difficult for them to behave in an unfair way.

Principle 3-5: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.

Don’t begin a discussion on the topics you differ, start on the things you agree on. At the beginning of the debate a skillful speaker should try to get a number of “Yes” responses.

This is aimed to avoid the psychological pattern where your colleague, girlfriend, customer, says “No”. The “No” creates a position which they will struggle to give up without seeming inconsistent.

Principle 3-6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

When debating, let the other party talk themselves out. Don’t interrupt them, let them lay out their ideas. Have a sincere and open mind.

When discussing achievements, let your friends and colleagues talk about theirs, don’t try to outdo them.

Principle 3-7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Instead of trying to force an idea onto someone else, it is wiser to make suggestions, and let the other person think out the conclusion. Don’t sell something to other people, show them how it can solve their problems. Let them sell themselves.

Principle 3-8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Success in dealing with people depends on your ability to sympathetically assume the other person’s viewpoint. You can create cooperativeness in conservation when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.

Principle 3-9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

People are hungering for sympathy, give it to them.

Principle 3-10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

A person usually has two reasons for doing things: one that sounds good and a real one. They will think of the real one. So to change people, appeal to their nobler motives.

Most people will react favourable if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair.

Principle 3-11: Dramatise your ideas.

Use visuals, sound, and examples to dramatise your ideas. Carnegie gives the example of a salesperson for checkout systems dramatically throwing pennies on the ground while explaining to a prospective customer that with their old checkout systems “they are literally throwing pennies away”.

Principle 3-12: Throw down a challenge.

Charles Schwab: “The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” People tend to be interested in a healthy amount of competition. It’s a chance of self-expression and creating a feeling of importance. It’s important that this is perceived by your team as playful and without sinister motives.

Part 4: Be a leader: How to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment

This part of the book is directed towards leading and helping other people in a business context.

Principle 4-1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

When giving feedback, start with something positive.

Principle 4-2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

When criticizing you want to get your point across without creating bitter resentment. This works better by pointing out mistakes indirectly. Use ‘AND’ instead of ‘BUT’. Instead of “We are really proud of you, John, for raising your grades, but if you had worked harder on calculus your results would have been better”, you should say: “We are really proud of you, John, for raising your grades, and by continuing your efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Principle 4-3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.

Admitting one’s own mistakes first can help others change their behaviour more easily.

Principle 4-4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Don’t give direct orders. INstead phrase it as a suggestion. “You might consider this.” or “What do you think of this?”. This saves a person’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance. People are more likely to accept an order if they played a part in the decision.

Principle 4-5: Let the other person save face.

Even if we think another person is wrong, we only destroy ego by causing them to lose face. What matters is not what you think of them, it’s what they think about themselves.

Principle 4-6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty’ in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’

Praising and recognizing good work, will reinforce that behaviour. We all crave attention and recognition (see principle 2-4), and will do almost anything to get it. Carnegie makes it very clear that this only works with sincere and specific praise. So it needs to be very clear, what exactly about the project or the behaviour was worth the praise.

Principle 4-7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

If you want a person to improve in a certain aspect, pretend that they already have this trait. They will likely try hard to live up to it.

This is especially powerful to combat a dip in work quality of a good colleague. Remembering them of their past quality, encourages them to get back to that level.

Principle 4-8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

When you tell your husband, employee or friend that they are doing something stupid, you destroyed every incentive to try and improve. Instead be liberal with encouragement, make it seem easy, show them that you think they can do it, and they will work to excel at the task.

Principle 4-9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

This could for example be a title that indicates the importance of the job. (RS: I am not sure how applicable this is in today’s business world). When trying to change attitude or behaviour of a report, keep the following in mind:

1. Be sincere: It should be about the benefits for the person.
2. Be empathetic: Make sure you know the goals of the other person.
3. Consider the benefits that the other person will receive through the attitude change.
4. Match those benefits to the person’s goals.
5. When you make your requests, make sure to express that the other person will personally benefit by doing it.